From the hillarious Scott Pakin's Automatic
Complaint-Letter Generator comes this wonderful letter:
My complaint about Coturnix
Here's the angry letter Coturnix knew he was bound to receive. What follows is a series of remarks addressed to the readers
of this letter and to Coturnix himself. All in all, if there's an untold story here, it's that there are some basic biological realities
of the world in which we live. These realities are doubtless regrettable, but they are unalterable. If Coturnix finds them
intolerable and unthinkable, the only thing that I can suggest is that he try to flag down a flying saucer and take passage for
some other solar system, possibly one in which the residents are oblivious to the fact that you may make the comment, "What
does this have to do with obstinate anthropophagi?" Well, once you begin to see the light, you'll realize that when I was
younger, I wanted to follow knowledge like a sinking star beyond the utmost bound of human thought. I still want to do that,
but now I realize that he has shown no compunction in committing chara c ter assassinations or engaging in full-scale
vendettas. Now, that last statement is a bit of an oversimplification, an overgeneralization. But it is nevertheless substantially
true. Okay, I admit that unbridled skinflints are receptive to Coturnix's ignominious messages and fool easily. But Coturnix
extricates himself from difficulty by intrigue, by chicanery, by dissimulation, by trimming, by an untruth, by an injustice.
Consequently, there is a format he should follow for his next literary endeavor. I t involves a topic sentence and supporting
facts. None but the pudibund can deny that if we're to effectively carry out our responsibilities and make a future for
ourselves, we will first have to build a world overflowing with compassion and tolerance. Again, Coturnix's ignorant actions
create a kind of psychic pain at the very root of the modern mind. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we
are ever to reveal the nature and activity of his cult followers and expose their inner contexts as well as their ultimate final
Already, some headlong demoniacs have begun to till the lackluster side of the McCarthyism garden, and with terrifying and
tragic results. What proposed social programs will follow from their camp is anyone's gu ess. All of these things are related:
credentialism, Coturnix's credos, and the general breakdown of our society. I'll even tell you how they're related. It's really
very simple. In essence, it's undoubtedly a tragedy that Coturnix's goal in life is apparently to use cameralism as a more
destructive form of irreligionism. Here, I use the word "tragedy" as the philosopher Whitehead used it. Whitehead stated that
"the essence of dramatic tragedy is not unhappiness. It resides in the solemnity of the remorse less working of things," which
I interpret as saying that Coturnix says that we should avoid personal responsibility. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like
saying that he has achieved sainthood. Regardless of the theoretical beauty of the notion that to ente r into philosophic
disputations with such morally crippled (or at least, fatuitous) clunks is both dotty and caustic, there is the opposing fact that
if he truly wanted to be helpful, Coturnix wouldn't pander to our worst fears.
One can examine th is fro m another angle, and plainly see that if he isn't voluble, I don't know who is. Considering that
Coturnix likes to have difficult social issues presented to him in simple, black-and-white terms, I find it almost laughable how
he remains oblivious to the fact that he labels anyone he doesn't like as "subversive". That might well be a better description
of Coturnix. He can't possibly believe that his way of life is correct and everyone else's isn't. He's stupid, but he's not that
stupid. I doubtlessl y hope that the truth will prevail and that justice will be served before Coturnix does any real damage. Or
is it already too late? Fortunately for us, the key to the answer is obvious: If Coturnix succeeds in his attempt to weaken
family ties, it'll have to be over my dead body.
According to the latest scientific evidence, he says that granting him complete control over our lives is as important as
breathing air. I've seen more plausible things scrawled on the bathroom walls in elementary schools. Cotu rnix's reprehensible,
contumelious rodomontades dismantle the guard rails that protect society from the irritating elements in its midst. Coturnix
then blames us for that. Now there's a prizewinning example of psychological projection if I've ever seen one. Isn't it
interesting which questions he dodges and what tangents he goes off on? Those dodges and tangents make me think that he
shouldn't blame those who have no power to change the current direction of events. That would be like asking a question at a
news conference and, too angry and passionate to wait for the answer, exiting the auditorium before the response. Both of
those actions burn books.
Others have stated it much more eloquently than I, but diabolism doesn't work. So why does Coturnix cling to i t? The answer
is not obvious, because the point at which you discover that Coturnix is attracted to heathenism like a moth to a candle is not
only a moment of disenchantment. It is a moment of resolve, a determination that many people are incredul ous when I tell
them that he intends to divert our attention from serious issues. "How could Coturnix be so power-drunk?", they ask me. "It
doesn't seem possible." Well, it is sincerely possible, and now I'll explain exactly how Coturnix plans to do it. But first, you
need to realize that if we can understand what has caused the current plague of gutless dummkopfs, I believe that we can then
keep our courage up. Look at it from my point of view: There is something capricious about Coturnix's shabby mendac ity
and sneaking duplicity. But what, you may ask, does any of that have to do with the theme of this letter, viz., that he doesn't
understand politics or simply doesn't care? That's the question that perplexes me the most, because he says that anyone who
resists him deserves to be crushed. That's his unvarying story, and it's a lie: an extremely superficial and pusillanimous lie.
Unfortunately, it's a lie that is accepted unquestioningly, uncritically, by Coturnix's votaries.
Although some lewd, concei ted low-lifes concede that Coturnix's smear tactics are sheer idiocy, they invariably deny that
Coturnix truly believes that society is supposed to be lenient towards brain-damaged hucksters. It is just such saturnine
megalomania, mephitic egoism, and int ellectua l aberrancy that stirs Coturnix to perpetuate misguided and questionable
notions of other homicidal blusterers' intentions. When I look back I think, "Sooner than you think, Coturnix will order his
lieutenants to rob from the rich but -- unlike Robin Hood -- give to audacious amoral-types." No matter how much talk and
analysis occurs, he has stated that the laws of nature don't apply to him. One clear inference from that statement -- an
inference that is never really disavowed -- is that he has t he lingui stic prowess to produce a masterwork of meritorious
literature. Now that's just bumptious. It is certainly the height of ironies that his victims have been speaking out for years.
Unfortunately, their voices have long been silenced by the roar a nd thunder of Coturnix's foot soldiers, who loudly proclaim
that Coturnix is a bearer and agent of the Creator's purpose. Regardless of those nutty proclamations, the truth is that he will
probably respond to this letter just like he responds to all criti cism. He w ill put me down as "selfish" or "abhorrent". That's
his standard answer to everyone who says or writes anything about him except the most fawning praise.
He and his attendants are, by nature, deluded devil-worshippers. Not only can that natur e not be changed by window-dressing
or persiflage, but the word "honesty" does not exist in Coturnix's vocabulary. End of story. Actually, I should add that
ancient Greek dramatists discerned a peculiar virtue in being tragic. Coturnix would do well to re alize that they never
discerned any virtue in being shallow. Coturnix is utterly gung-ho about conformism because he lacks more pressing
soapbox issues. Too many emotions to count raced through my mind when I first realized that we must educate, inform, a nd
nurture our children instead of keeping them ignorant, afraid, and in danger. Am I aware of how Coturnix will react when he
reads that last sentence? Yes. Do I care? No, because his fixation with blasphemous yokels is slatternly. But there is a
further-reaching i mplication: Today, we might have let Coturnix trample over the very freedoms and rights that he claims to
support. Tomorrow, we won't. Instead, we will prevent the production of a new crop of the most superstitious braggarts you'll
ever see. W hen Coturnix hears anyone say that the crux of the issue is that he has no great love of democracy or
egalitarianism, his answer is to prepare the ground for an ever-more vicious and brutal campaign of terror. That's similar to
taking a few drunken swings at a beehive: it just makes me want even more to enable patriots to use their freedoms to save
their freedoms. The question, therefore, must not be, "Has he ever considered what would happen if a small fraction of his
time spent trying to make denominationalism soci ally acceptable was instead spent on something productive?", but rather,
"How can he suppress people's instinct and intellect and then turn around and shed tears for those who got hurt as a result?".
The latter question is the better one to ask, because h e hates people who have huge supplies of the things he lacks. What
Coturnix lacks the most is common sense, which underlies my point that you don't need to be a rocket scientist to detect the
subtext of this letter. But just in case it's too subliminal for some, let me thrust it into your face right here: There is something
grievously wrong with those nasty, tendentious doomsday prophets who give lunatics control of the asylum. Shame on the lot
No one can claim to know the specific source of Coturnix's recommendations, but I don't believe that Coturnix can walk on
water. So when he says that that's what I believe, I see how little he understands my position. The most filthy imbeciles you'll
ever see often take earthworms or sim ilar small animal s and impale them on a pin to enjoy watching them twist and writhe as
they slowly die. Similarly, Coturnix enjoys watching respectable people twist and writhe whenever he threatens to force
women to live by restrictive standards not appl icable to men.
If someone were to turn once-flourishing neighborhoods into zones of violence, decay, and moral disregard, I'd rather it be an
army of foul-mouthed lunatics than he, because the latter is disaffected, while the former are only silly. You may not be aware
of this, but his legates are unified under a common goal. That goal is to tip the scales in Coturnix's favor. If I understand
Coturnix's double standards correctly, then to believe that a richly evocative description of a problem automat ically implies the
correct solution to that problem is to deceive ourselves. Coturnix's bruta fulmina are not an abstract problem. They have
very concrete, immediate, and unpleasant consequences. For instance, there are two related questions in this matter. The first
is to what extent Coturnix has tried to crush any semblance of opposition to his unsympathetic remonstrations. The other is
whether or not Coturnix and his spokesmen are jackbooted rabble-rousers. This is not set down in complaint against them,
but merely as analysis. I'd like to finish with a quote from a private e-mail message sent to me by a close friend of mine:
"Coturnix's ideologies are so nebulous and malleable that they can be used to justify any egocentric fibs".
Why do you have a complaint about me on your Web page?
Try it yourself. Use your name, or somebody else's name and enjoy the fun.